A Letter to Myself: Happier Times Ahead
Dear Will,
Do you see that, friend? Just there, right above you, is a small patch of clear blue sky; finally. New LIFE is on the horizon!
You have made it out of the valley, now walking on sunnier ground toward the base of Happier Times Ahead Mountain. You are gainfully employed in a job right in your wheelhouse, at a firm you lowkey love. It keeps your nervous system calm, which you haven’t experienced in forever, and provides you with income to rebuild the six years of life-been-lifing obliteration done to your savings, billpay, and credit. You are, more-or-less, in a routine with your caregiving duties and have created a space in the house that both looks and feels like the Will McNair you had to abandon in Brooklyn. Bitch, you’ve even relaxed, gut be damned, into the tank-top-and-five-inch-shorts casual style almost uniform to gays in Los Angeles! Best Friend said she ain’t seen this much skin since Bed Stuy! Lookatchu!! It may be difficult to see while you’re still in survival mode, but you are in a much better place than you were five years ago, or even last year. You should be proud!
Take a deep breath and rest a little easier, friend, but not too easy, for there is still much work to do. There may be sun breaking through the clouds, more light on the path before you, but you’re not out of the woods yet. This may be tough to hear, my love, but you’ve got some growing up to do. Yes, even in middle age the work is not done. This next era of your life will require a discipline, consistency, and belief in yourself you’ve spent much of your adulthood avoiding. You’re too grown to be blaming your parents, your upbringing, and your circumstances for why you’re not where you want to be – Therapist can certainly assist with those grievances – but you’re also way too talented to waste the many gifts embedded in you by God. It is time to give up comfort and fear and take up courage and commitment!
We’re now in Q4; a perfect time to refocus and still make good of the year. I’d like to see what you can accomplish and build. Like the last three months left in 2026, you’ve got three goals to shoot for:
Health and Fitness are priority number one! Someone on TikTok said, “They go to the gym to get shredded, I go to the gym for good blood work.” I know you’re trying to look better naked, but you need to be trying to bring that weight and A1c down. You’re 192lbs, and at a 5.9% A1c, just 0.6% away from diabetes (a multiple read of 6.5% or higher). It may seem like you have room to play, but your love of burgers, sweets, and alcohol got you headed into Big Mama (your arm!) territory! If caregiving for mom has taught you anything, it has shown you the importance and necessity of taking good care of your body. Don’t go down the same road. Strength training 3x a week; walking 8-10k steps a day; eating more whole foods over all that processed shit; consuming considerably less alcohol; ALL NOW NON-NEGOTIABLE! Period. The goal is 180lbs and a 5.7% A1c by January. Work that body!
Second, and I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this, Will, but YOU ARE A WRITER and you need to stop playing scared and start putting pen to paper and fingers to keyboard every. single. day! Writing is hard, I know, but in not leaning into and pursuing this gift you are doing not only yourself a disservice, let alone God, but also anyone, if only just one person, who could really gain something – a laugh; a comfort; an insight; an inspiration – from what you have to say. Writing is in your bones. You must stop being afraid of it: afraid of the work and the sacrifice it takes to produce material; afraid of not being good or talented enough to make something of that work; afraid of feeling or looking self-centered for writing about your own life and experiences. Be obedient to the call of your gift! And PLEASE read more, every day! Doesn’t matter what. Just pick up a book and read it cover to cover, no matter how long it takes. Then do it again. And again. You’re a horndog…start with gay smut books. All reading is good reading, and for as much as a writer writes, a writer reads even more. You won’t fulfill your goal of writing and posting great essays once a week, nor your desire to write short stories, without the nurturing practice of reading and writing daily. You’ll love it more than you think, I promise!
Lastly, and this one could be big fun if you allow it, but friend…GO OUTSIDE! It is time for you to join the world again. You’ve stopped dreaming and putting yourself out there to experience much of what you still long for. You want to rediscover LA and find a group of close gay friends and date and fuck and dine out and travel and be wowed by the wonders of the world. You’ll find none of that sitting at home watching BL dramas. Yes, money is tight for the time being, but you can still get out and enjoy some life. And bowling is not enough. Therapist says finding a community that fits is both important and imperative at this point. The work of taking up space instead of shrinking yourself in the face of others seems daunting and painful, I know, and, in truth…it can be, for a time. But you need people, intimidating they may be. Everyone needs a village. And it’s okay that you don’t quite know the three-month goal here. At least you do know you have to try. Find events to attend that won’t break your pockets. Go read and write in coffee shops and libraries. Treat yourself to a brunch or dinner inside a restaurant at least once a month. Hop in the hooptie when the one friend group you have lights up the group chat and hits the streets. You have lived in a bubble too long. Let the world see and experience you, and you, it, because you’re dope as fuck and you deserve a full life! And don’t fret…you built a flourishing life and many strong friendships over the course of those 20 years in New York. Surely you can do the same in Los Angeles!
Here’s the thing, though: I know you love excuses! Over the next three months, Will, you must push past all of them! “It’s too hot/cold outside. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Mom took a huge shit on the bathroom floor. Oh, look; a bird! A new deep-coverage true crime documentary just landed on Netflix?!? Bet!” No bet, William! Put the remote down and pick up your car keys, your gym bag, your laptop, or a book. Better yet, grab all them mugs on weekend mornings, put the pedal to the metal, and don’t come back home ‘til the streetlights come on.
You got this, friend. Just keep pushing. Happier Times Ahead Mountain is yours to summit and claim! Make it your bitch! I love you, Will. And I’m proud of you! I can’t wait to see what you will do next. Let’s fucking go!
